You Lie Rachael Ray - Vesta Dipping Grill is Crappo.

It has taken me many moons to try this Vesta Dipping Grill (shticky is for vaudville and not for eating) - I have heard fantastic things about this place, including Rachael Ray - who was in the Denver for either $40 or Tasty Travels or something - and she was all up on the Vesta. Maybe she just made it up - or maybe Bobby Flay hates her for good reason (we know she likes to bite the Oprah hand that feeds her - but I like her salad dressings - so I assumed she either knew what she was talking about - or wouldn't lie to me - considering all the places in all the Denver - she picked this place for dinner) anyway - she is a fatface bald liar.

1) The dipping sauces aren't interesting
2) What you dip them in isn't cooked or presented well
3) Dipping is for losers
4) DON'T GET THE SCALLOPS
5) Go to Chilis if you want your wallet raped

Wyman's - The place to pick up 70+ rejuveniles

Bar: Wymans

Style: Neigborhoody, kinda pubby, lots of wood

Music: 90s Alternative - the guys that work at this bar probably graduated in 1993 because it is all kinds of Nirvana, Sound Garden, That Scott Weiland Band that was real popular, also bands like Counting Crowes and other shit that was popular in the early 90s. Wanna hear Jeremy about 17 times? Then go here. It just feels right to older spinstas who need the comfort of remembering what being insecure really was like. What I have lost in elasticity I have gained in confidence - why don't you go write about that irony little Alanis.

Girls tart up to look like: they just finished the shuttle run

Age Range: 30s and 70s+ no in the middle - you won't find a 40something but you will definitely find a 30something and a 70something

Booze Price: Reasonable

Signature Drinks: No such thing

Sexy Terror Alert: If you think tennis loving elderly men are sexy than this terror level is on high, but they are real sweet anyway and probably better than some of the dorkus malorkus types in lodo (although I still haven't made it their yet, so I am still just being a judger)

Average length of time it took a lady to get ready before her arrival: No one gets ready to come here - you are just somewhere else one minute and then here the next.

FYI on my day, I have just spent the last fifty minutes fantasizing about how Ryan Reynolds probably broke up with that Alanis because he got sick of her constantly pointing out shit to him that she thought was ironic which, in fact, was nothing of the sort. I know that song is rahter old for me to be mentioning but I will never get over it the trauma of it all and that song would TOTALLY be played at this bar because it hearts early 90s music like no other bar in town. What brought me to this daydream of Alanis telling Ryan, "I really wanted to 69 but you just wanted an HJ, sigh, that's irony", or "Hey Ryan, hand me that spoon, oh wait, that's a knife, you're so ironic," was based on a discussion betwixt myself and Lulu of the last two bars we visited.

Lulu allegedly met the man of her dreams at the bar she went to last week. You can't be over 27 years old and not finish the sentence "It's like meeting the man of your dreams" without the phrase "and then meeting his beautiful wife." It isn't possible.

Secondly, the last bar I visited seemed like it would fit in well with the craziness of that song. "It's like wanting to meet a the man of your dreams in his 30s but only meeting men in their 70s". PS ( I just can't get that visual of all those Alanises in that car with the cornrow hair and the hat and the crazy eating like a squirrel - sooooooooooo annoying.

Anyway, the point is, that while I love Wyman's and happen to go there more than any other bar in this town, (mostly out of convenience) I will never meet the man of my dreams, unless my vision of a dream date is a guy who lives at the retirement home next door. There are several retirement apartment buildings in the Capitol Hill area and they tend to feed into this bar because it is far enough away from the Colfax that they probably won't get jumped on their way in and these guys love tennis and Congress Park tennis courts are just a few minutes away as well, so this place is perfect.

The food is pretty good and the menu ranges from sandwiches and salads to pizzas. Pretty good for bar food. The two ladies who work in the kitchen do not seem to like the bar staff because they mock them when they don't think anyone is watching which Lulu and I know because we are always watching. They also love to text message. They are entertaining.

There are a lot of drunk girls but most people who attend this bar come in large groups. While I managed to pick up a nice little chef once, that was 4 years ago and even though I am not getting any younger, I do not believe this is because I have let myself go that much, I think this is just a matter of the way the bar has evolved.

There are several pool tables and the bar has a very relaxed vibe, and while I did get into a fist fight once with a guy there he was totally wasted and fucking with me aby touching me and yellwhispering in my ear so I had to check him.

No matter what, if you come by yourself, this is a great place to hang out at the bar and talk to the locals, aka the retirement fellas who hang out there, they are definitely a nice touch and are always fun to talk to.

The End,
Mallory

Where the Christ in Denver do I meet a divorcee? - Part I - the liquor aisle of Target

Objective: To land a cougar....or a lynx, bobcat, or maybe even a tigress!

Where to lock your radar: Target's liquor aisle

Style: Red bubbles and circles and low prices

Music: N/A

Girls tart up to look like: They haven't been crying into a pint of Chunky Monkey for eight straight days.

Age Range: 40+

Booze Price: Bargain Basement

Signature Drinks: Whatever your little heart can dream up

Sexy Terror Alert: If you think desperation is sexy, the Terror Alert is off the charts

Thoughts by my fellow Americans: You don't say!

Average length of time it took a lady to get ready before her arrival: However long it takes to wipe off the mascara that ran down their faces.

Now, normally, I would be more in the ladypower camp than the prey-on-the-weak camp. But this camper has changed her tune. Never in my life have I sensed such a giant vacuum of loneliness like the liquor aisle at Target. It's roped off on the Lord's day, but the rest of the week, it will try to suck you into its vortex of shame, guilt, and desperation. What am I getting at, dear readers? The liquor aisle at Target is the best place in Denver to meet new divorcees!

One only needs to glance down its hallowed hallway to glimpse the finest in low-priced vodka, buckets of margarita mix, and women who have been harassing their ex-husbands' secretaries for months, looking for any small clue of infidelity. You can see it in their eyes. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and hell ALSO hath no fury so great as the rage which gives thine scorned woman thirst. These ladies like to get their drink on done. And they like to get their alcohol from a well-lit place, where they can hide it in their cart under the Charmin, just in case they run into Terri, that bitch from next door who they just KNOW was listening to all the screaming matches over who got the flat screen TV when the bastard moved out.

This is where you want to be, young Democrats. These ladies want affection, and they want it now. All you need to do is walk up to them, feed them some lines about how their eyes are beautiful because you can see the pain behind them, and three minutes later, you will be getting an HJ at the wheel while you drive back to her place. It's a win-win.

All my love,
Lulu

Ship Tavern at The Brown Palace - Where the Christ can I find a good Ethel Merman impersonator?

This bar might be landlocked but you would never know it.

Hotel: The Brown Palace (17th and Broadway)

Hotel Bar: Ship Tavern

Style: 1800s not-chic

Music: Piano with an old lady wearing a Safari outfit including a safari hat

Girls tart up to look like: Not even close to applicable

Age Range: 50s/60s/70s

Booze Price: Reasonable

Signature Drinks: Not Interesting

Sexy Terror Alert: Also not even close to applicable, unless you think the Ethel Merman impersonator was sexy then you and I have different concepts of sexy and you are totally grossing me out right now pervert.

Thoughts by my fellow Americans: This little gem has got to be Denver's best kept secret.

Average length of time it took a lady to get ready before her arrival: Lady is a stretch, probably about 5 minutes or less, if you count washing your hands after you use the bathroom.

This place is fucking awesome. It feels so much more like Denver because nobody cares what he or she looks like. I was kinda drunk by that point and should not have had the ketel-lope signature drink because I might not have had as much fun had I stuck to water at that point.

The waitress was real nice, this place is not even close to pretentious and neither is the staff, probably because there is no time for pretentiousness when you have a bunch of mouths to feed at home and this staff looked like it had MOUTHS TO FEED.

The booze were not expensive and the food was sorta under the sea(ish) if I remember correctly. I totally want to go back and have fish and chips because the place smelled like vineger and not in the way the Christina Aquilera smells like vinegar or hot dogs or whatever it is that she is supposed to smell like. It smells like vinegar in the I could use some salt on my fish and chips thank you very much vinegar.

The absolute best part was the live entertainment. I was ready to sing the pianists praises just based on his performance alone - kinda showtunesy (which I don't normally like but it felt real real right in this context) and kinda rat packy. But then all of the sudden, this big bold voice sounding just like Ethel Merman starts beliting out the words to a song which may or may not have been the actual lyrics and the planets fucking aligned. I get it now. We were debating as to whether this woman was paid to sing or if she just had a few too many bourbons one night and started singing to the piano and has just been coming back every night since then and no one wants to tell her to stop because she is pretty great and she is one hundred years old. She was amazing. And, she was wearing old-school Banana Republic. Remember in the late 80s when you could buy an entire safari outfit including the jacket and hat. Well this lady knew that the classics never die and is still sporting the look today and while she didn't exactly fit in the old-timey ship theme she really rocked it.

I loved this place because there was more character and heart in this place than any of the other hotel bars combined. Everyone seemed truly to be having a good time, even if I was drunk.


UPDATE: looks like the answer is - gets paid in booze and attention

Harry's - The Magnolia Hotel - Where the Christ can I get a drink at a hotel bar and look sexier than everyone else?

This is the perfect place to go if you want to feel like the pretty one.

Hotel: The Magnolia (17th and Stout)

Hotel Bar: Harry's

Style: 50s chic

Music: Eurodance / Clublite

Girls tart up to look like: Trishelle from the Real World Las Vegas (NOT A JOKE)

Age Range: 30s/40s

Booze Price: Very Reasonable

Signature Drinks: Not Stupid

Sexy Terror Alert: More like musket sexy or even less. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE COOL TO GO TO THIS BAR - no one can judge you

Thoughts by my fellow Americans: Looks like it was designed after the Standard Hotel in L.A. but without the sexy clientele.

Average length of time it took a lady to get ready before her arrival: Two Hours - but it was a wasted two hours.

This bar is pretty. The dark faux wood-paneling still works, even if kind of last year, because the rest of the decor is clean lines, simple shades of whites and neutrals and the lights on the ceiling look like the candy that comes on sheets of paper. The Harry's sign behind the bar lights up and changes colors as do the lights inside the blocks that make up the base of the tables. There is a bar in Tulsa, Oklahoma that started doing that a couple of years ago so it can't be hip anymore. It still works and is subtle enough that it isn't annoying or anything like some places where you are talking to someone but are always distracted by the fact that the person's face you are speaking with keeps changing colors because of the god damn lights. This isn't like that at all.

Now, this is a bar I can sink my teeth into. I can go there and look like shit (which I usually do as a 32 year old spinsta) and not feel like a total loser. I felt very comfortable. Maybe because I was one of 8 people in the entire bar, three of whom were with me and were the most attractive and best dressed in the house. I guess I felt like I was with the sexy customers if you will. The rest of the townies were kind of confused tarts and some very obvious guests of the hotel. It was fantastic. I hate going to bars where I feel like an anus and that was certainly NOT the case here.

Also, I hearted our waitress big time. Not pretentious at all. So many times, I feel like bartenders and waitstaff who work in the hotel industry are superdicks because they rarely rely on repeat customers. This place should have been busier because the drinks were reasonable and the waitstaff, at least our waitress was pretty perfect. I think she was of similar age and just glad she didn't have to talk to the Trishelle-alikes anymore.

I didn't feel like I was in a hotel bar, except for the fact that (and I kid you not) you had to pass the dance floor of a wedding reception in progress in order to use the ladies room. Not so bad for the punters of the bar, but I would NEVER get married where some asshole has to walk through my wedding on his way to make water. Grody to the max times 2.
Our tab for 4 people was around $18 which considering we had a variety of drinks from beer to wine to gimlets - it was cheap.

This place is perfect if you want to sit in a relatively empty but stylish little bar and have some cheaper drinks and not have to yell at each other. Plus, you can be the sexiest person in the place if you want.

The End,
Mall

The Corner Office Bar - The Curtis Hotel - Where the Christ can I get a reasonably priced drink in a fancy schmancy hotel bar?

Last weekend, was the first official taste-testing of the Denver. Hotel Bars were the crawl and well, I was definitely pleasantly surprised.

Hotel: The Curtis Hotel (14th and Curtis)

Hotel Bar: The Corner Office

Style: Brady Bunch Chic

Music: Clubby R&B

Girls tart up to look like: Jessica Simpson

Age Range: 20s/30s

Booze Price: Very Reasonable / Cheap Bastard worthy

Signature Drinks: Not Stupid

Food Price: Very Reasonable

Food Creativity compared with deliciousness: Pretty good

Sexy Terror Alert: Yellow, I guess - this criteria is still in progress - could also be Sexy WMDs - at a rating of 3 on the nuclear sexy level or something like that.

Thoughts by my fellow Americans: This place looks like it was designed from a focus group.

Average length of time it took a lady to get ready before her arrival: Two Hours

Let's go straight into it. The bar looked super chic and was fashioned after the 1970s. I never knew the 70s could be sexed up so much. The drinks were surprisingly reasonably priced. The signature drinks ranged from $8-$10 and for cheap bastards, a Schlitz will only set you back $3.

The menu was all over the place - everywhere from euromexasian to kind of three years ago with comfort food such as chicken and waffles and signature drinks like "The Dirty Shirley (an alcoholic Shirley Temple) and the Cherry Coke (Bacardi and Grenadine and Coke). If you ever wondered what too much grenadine does to a drink, you can easily find out by ordering either one of those. On the plus side, I have no problem with too much grenadine especially when the drink starts to water down a little - it goes down real real smooth.

The chicken and waffles, while dated in hipness were delicious and very cheap - around $8-$10. The humus was pretty good, but the pièce de ré·sis·tance in my opinion was the Salami Quesadilla. You are probably saying to yourself right now - what is this crazy meat-aholic talking about? This is what I mean by suggesting you suspend your disbelief. I think the quesadilla was orginally supposed to have chorizo in it but they must have run out of chorizo and just said fuck it - throw in some salami, no one will notice the difference. Well, we did and they are lucky that the salami melted in my mouth like it did because it was glorious. Sometimes I forget to thank Jesus for good things that happen to me. Usually I just blame him for stuff like my root canal without any anaesthetic and my face shingles. Let me take this moment to say thank you Jesus for having the kitchen run out of chorizo so that salami could make love to cheese in my mouth. It was gorgeous.

The Bathroom: Ok, so there has always been something weird about girls and public bathrooms. No matter what kind of girl she might be, as soon as she walks into the shitter she thinks she is Sylvia Plath and will write anything and everything from "Johnny fucks skank whores", to a poem about love, on the bathroom stalls. I am not sure how girls always manage to have permanent markers on-hand unless they plan ahead, but I assume there is some sense of historical value placed on finding your brilliant haiku about vaginas three weeks after having written it. It doesn't matter how fancy the bar, girls love to get drunk and write all over the place. The Corner Office believes it has a solution, which I suspect, while cute, will last about three weeks. One wall of the bathroom is covered in post-it notes so you can write whatever you want on a little post it and then at the end of the night, someone will take them down mocking your stupidity while cleaning the toilets.

The moral of the story is - this seems like a superhip chain restaurant bar - it is very cool and a bit cliche - you might not feel like you belong unless you work at Buffalo Exchange and just so happened to have that super-swank totally 70s looking hipster outfit, that you pretended to hate originally, when the person who sold it to your store brought it in, so they wouldn't think they were cooler than you because god forbid someone should have thought of it first. The food is pretty good, the drinks aren't too expensive and there are tables and tables of girls all kinds of tarted up - hanging out to either celebrate a birthday - or not getting herpes or whatever it is that 20something celebrate when they go out downtown. Nonetheless, I would go back again and not just to eat a salami quesadilla. Plus, you get a thumbs up from the waitress (who is dressed like a cheerleader) if you order a Schlitz.

The End
Mallory

Please let me know what you think about this - too long? Probably

So you might not know this: You need to Pre-read to read

Before you read this blog please understand the following.

1) I am not a professional writer, well, technically I am supposed to be, but not the "journalist" kind who ever has to write creatively so don't judge based on your feelings of "whether you get me or not....I don't need to be got". Also, don't get all up on my anus about grammar and language usage - this blog is called free-association which means I don't edit or even re-read it. I have a day job and if the Republicans found out I was helping democrats I would be so dead. Well, maybe not dead but I wouldn't be able to give it my full 60% or something so suck it.

2) This bloggy ( if I don't quit because I go broke or get tired of too much me) will constantly change an evolve, hopefully because it will learn to feed and grow on its own....but don't judge cause you hate it - when there might be something meaningful shit in there - or there might not, I guess it depends on you.

3) I have never been concise so you might have to read a bunch of shit you don't want to - that is what skimming is for.

4) I promise you will learn at least something new each post, maybe it will be my bra size - or maybe it will be your totally new fav bar in DTC...so just be patient.

5) I don't necessarily think I know more than you. I agree that people who write blogs appear to have that vanity obsession of you must know what I think because it will make you laugh and cry and pee your pants with the hilarious witticisms. I am writing this not because I think I am brilliant but because I am a) bored and b) was told by my magician re-alignment lady after having my jaw released that I need to express myself in some form in order to keep myself from clenching my teeth. Since I don't do feelings journals I thought, what better than to write about what I love, getting my drink on done and my eat on done.

While I have been out and about in this city many many times, I haven't really ventured outside of my comfort zone. I am not so into the Lower Downton Denver (LoDo) thing because I am over 30, hate assholes and try to avoid being seen anywhere a Real World episode might have been filmed. I know however, that to truly get a sense of this city I must suspend my disbelief (which I think at this point would be, I hate LoDo and don't have any intention of having a conversation with a guy who wears "face-bronzer" save it for the bodybuilding.) Part of the reason I have found myself retreating more and more into my little cocoon of an apartment is because I make assumptions that there are a bunch of guys wearing face bronzer hanging out in LoDo, which I suspect is probably not true. I have undressed myself of my prejudicial feelings and ventured out to see what else is out there..

Sidenote: Once upon a time, about 4 years ago, a superbff of mine we'll call Matilda, was visiting me in the Denver and we were shopping at some make-up boutique in Cherry Creek. At one point, she and I were verbally wondering why there wasn't a Sephora in a city of this size and the woman who owned the little boutique said that it was because the owner of Sephora didn't feel that women in Denver wore enough make-up to warrant a make-up store like that. Ever since then, my friend, we'll call Grace, and I used to drive around town playing a game called (she is the reason there is no Sephora in Denver) because NO ONE seems to wear make-up, partly because everyone is some sort of hippie lover, outdoorsy number or lazy-ass. I fall into the lazy category, just for future reference.

Moral of the story one: Girls who hang out in downtown Denver probably don't live in Denver. (We too have a bridge and tunnel crowd) There are now several Sephoras around and it shows. I don't know if the transient population that was once mostly midwestern has changed to include a bunch of make-up obsessed youngsters or if the natural look is so totally out, but times have definitely changed. Maybe I am not familiar with this look because most of the places I go are neighborhood bars but I was impressed when my friend, we'll call Lulu, suggested that we play a game of "what is the average time it took the ladies at this table or at that table to get ready." BTW, totally fun game.


Moral of the story two: I should probably dress it up a little if I don't want to stick out like a 32 year old thumb.

You might be thinking to yourself, what did all that have to do with which bar is going to give me the quickest erection?

Well, it will make sense later - the point is that I too had misconceptions of this city because I love to judge what I do not know. I am a hypocrite and I love it.

The end,
Mallory

You want me to what? In the Denver? Ok, I guess

So, the DNC is coming in 2008 which gives us just one year to create the ultimate guide to the Denver.

Since each person is unique that means each person has unique needs that he or she might not be able to find based on searching the "regular" guides to this city. So it is time to create the guide for the everyman, or the opposite of that, I guess it would be the no-man or the one man or whatever that is, anyway the plan is to create a system that will allow each person visiting Denver for the DNC to find what he or she wants and needs without having to think about a single thing. We could just list all the places to go - but how will you know what is best for you until you have the tools and understanding to decide what place is best for you?

That means, if you are looking for "The best place to meet lady divorcees" you will know to check out either the liquor aisle at Target, or to visit Earl's at Park Meadow's mall.

Are you looking for the best gyro in town but hate great service, then we will tell you to check out Pita Jungle because the food is superb but it takes an hour to get a menu or a glass of water even if you are the only person at the only table in the entire restaurant. It will be ok, because the euphoria that you feel after sinking your teeth into that first bite of delicious heaven known as the gyro will take away the pain cause by clenching your teeth for thirty minutes while waiting for the teenage fella to get off his goddamn cell phone and bring you a glass of water.

I hope you get the idea here - and understand that YOU too can participate. My lady friend and I are working on creating a system to decipher which place works for whatever reasons but we would like each person who can participate to write a paragraph or two on what you like or hate or don't find particularly interesting about each place you go. The more ideas the better.

The End,
Mallory