What the Christ is there to do on the Wednesday night of the convention?

The answer?

Tetris.

Yes, that simple geometric game from your youth is back in a big way at Forest Room Five on the last Wednesday of every month. For just $5, you can compete in a double-elimination bracket against the best of the best of the best gamer nerds in Colorado. Matches are played on a Super Nintendo, projected huge on the wall. You have never seen a tetromino this big in your life. Games last three minutes, and the player with the most lines at the end of the match advances. There's a grand prize of $50 for first place, and also awards for Best Dressed and Rookie of the Month. The tournament takes place at Forest Room Five, a hip little joint just across the bridge from downtown.

If you plan on eating there, just have a few backup choices in mind when you order, because they are always out of approximately one half of the items on the menu on any given night. Otherwise, it's a cool place with a crazy nice patio, featuring a gigantic moose head and a bridge for no reason. Sometimes they even show movies projected onto the adjacent apartments. Tetris is fun. Forest Room Five is fun. You can get the deets and the current power rankings at www.tetrisleague.com.

Love,
Timmy Tinkletop

The Thin Man - I moved here for you - and you treat me like this? I don't know what love is anymore

It was a beautiful summer evening in the early two thousands and I was in the Denver visiting on personal business pleasure. Some friends of mine lived by city park - and suggested we take their dog and walk to this bar called the Thin Man. We can sit outside they said, It is very chill they said (people totally said chill in the early thousands).

When we walked up to this bar - I fell in love instantly. It was everything I ever could have wanted. Great location, really nice atmosphere (take lodo and then do the opposite which means totally chill) and dogs were allowed which I wasn't familiar with having lived previously in a dog hatin' city.

The Thin Man is kind of eurobar-y but not eurotrashy. It is small and the light is just right - and the patrons are the type who prefer that you mind your business so that they can mind their business - which I like because A. I hate meeting people and B. The only person I met turned out to be one of those handjobs who can't stand the quiet - so he listens to music, watches tv and listens to the radio all at the same time - while playing his "keyboards". Neat. Let me just say cacophony, the end.

Back to my love, so aside from having the right aesthetic, this place makes the best goddamn mojitos you have ever tasted. One bartender told me he was sent to Cuba to study them - and I think he was later fired for being a bitch or something like that - and he said he always wore womyn's jeans because they made his junk appear larger than in regular jeans - so maybe he was fibbing about that but I don't care - because his drinks were magical.

Personally, I think the Thin Man re-popularized the mojito in Denver as it was at one time the only bar that served them and now the mojito is quickly turning into the martini - with it's mango this and chocolate that. Hey, if you want to rape my drinks with your crazy concoctions save it for Chili's or Applebees - that way we will never run into each other.

The Thin Man has always kept its mojito classy. Plus, they make some mean vodka infused drinks as well - which will crunk your shit up. Long story short, or whatever -short story long - the Thin Man has fantastic bartenders who make fantastic drinks in a fantastic setting and I loved every minute of this bar even though it can be overloaded with hipsters at times- hipsters don't mind me and I don't mind them thank you very much.

So all was well until the other night I went their - for a nightcap if you will with a friend of mine only to discover that the bar was not only throwing a themed party - BUT A WHITE TRASH themed party - with sidewalk bowling and a baby pool full of PBR and everyone was wearing wife beaters and black marker on their teeth - and either mullets or fake pregnancy bellies or both.

Thanks for the memories anus - but I am not sure if I can ever look at you the same.

The Bagel Delicatessen (hopefully where I will be buried when I die - from an overdose of pastrami)

The Bagel Delicatessen (http://www.thebageldeli.com/)

6439 E. Hampden Ave.

Denver, CO 80222

303-756-6667

their motto is "as authentic as it gets" and they fucking mean it

Anyone who knows me, or has ever met me for 5 seconds knows that there is only thing I love more than juicing on booze and that is eatin' on deli meats.

Someday, I will open up my Holy Meats deli (it is more"HOLY MEATS! BATMAN" than it is blessed Jesus deli meats by the way, even though the logo will have a crucifix on it which might confuse people who would be all - when did Batman get into christ? And that is none of my nevermind - I don't get into people's personal business.

Anyway, this is how much I love pastrami:

PASTRAMI Haikus

why you so goddam
good? It hurts me to wait for
you until lunchtime.

your succulence makes
me weak. I must place you on
my tongue yesterday

For six long years I have scoured this city in search of a good pastrami sandwich. I thought I would never find it, but I have done it sweet Jesus and it was topped with egg salad mmmmmmmmmm times one million. Thank you Bagel Deli for knowing what I want. I didn't even have to waste one second perusing the main menu - as pastrami (being held in the regard for which it deserves was given its own menu at this glorious place.)

Here is another thing Bagel Deli understands - good sandwiches need little to no condiments because the meat melts on the tongue while the bread keeps you from drooling on yourself in ecstasy. They did provide me with the opportunity to use condiments but I didn't need them. The egg salad was pretty good as well - and there is so much more to choose from that judging this place by one sandwich alone isn't fair. Lucky for me AND Bagel Deli - I will be eating there every day for the rest of my life...

If you live in Denver and have never been to Bagel Deli - I pity you. If you are jonesing for some quality meats while you are hanging with Bill and Hill during the DNC- I highly suggest you have them courier some of this over to wherever you are (we all know they pulled in 100 mil last year so they can afford it and they will thank you in more ways than one).

Love you Bagel Deli!
Lamanda

PS - anyone who tries to get up on my anus about a pastrami sandwich with egg salad on top not needing condiments can suck it cause I did half on and half off - so get off my anus assholes.

Old Lady who sings for free booze - thank you for making it all worthwhile, Brown Palace take two = magic

The Ship's Tavern never disappoints -http://www.brownpalace.com/location/index.cfm

This might be the second post on this bar but that means you need to go there - not that I am lazy - stop judging me!

The Ship's Tavern is a hipster joint waiting to be recognized. I am so glad I have managed to see it in all its purity before the hipsters rub their dirty little hands all over it.

The beer is cheap and the entertainment unlike anything you will find in Denver, maybe not during the DNC. I would imagine there will be a lot more stripping come August. I once lived next door to a couple who ran a stripping business out of their home. The busiest time of year was during the PGA. I guess golfers LOVE watching tainted vagines dangling in their faces just as much as the next guys.

Anyway - the woman who sings at the Ship's Tavern doesn't get paid - nor has she ever. But she has been performing for over 35 years - and she goes there every night so she might be a slight alcoholic or maybe just not ready to follow this "television" trend she has been hearing about. She has a fantastic voice and was dressed up for the Kentucky Derby - which felt a little fancier than the Safari number she was wearing the last time I was there.

Basically, every night goes like this:

Mary (the singer) has a couple of glasses of wine - then she belts out something Frank Sinatra or a song that I imagine comes from Guys and Dolls. Then she sits down - while the pianist plays songs like - Say a Little Prayer for You or Pianoman (so meta). Once he takes a break some guy - who is either a fireman - or just large and in charge enough to need suspenders to keep up his sweatpants - starts singing as well (also not getting paid) - and this is unaccompanied and a little awkward and THE MOST FUN EVER.



Please go - you will not be disappointed.

Steubans, how can you be such a cocktease when it comes to food and still manage to put out with such delish cocktails?

Somebody mentioned to me the other night how annoying the term eatery is, which I totally agree with - and since I am annoyed at Steubans for kind of fucking up comfort food I am going to refer to it as such so here goes you shiteatery.

I have been researching the shit out of Steuban's for the past few weeks (I think we all know that "research" is interchangeable with getting my supercrunk on) - and feel pretty safe in saying - that you should come for the drinks but leave before you pay 16 dollars for shitty fried chicken - I can tell you right now it is way more delicious at the unSafeway a few blocks away and much cheaper too - unless you don't care what you put in your mouth you dirty savage. In that case EAT away dummy.

Oh, except for the fries - they are tasty - and you can get them with gravy which I really wanted to do but thought it a bit heavy to have gravy as an appetizer - especially when it was about to be followed by a pork sandwich. In retrospect I deeply regret that decision. The pork wasn't bad - but it wasn't good - it just left me thinking - why am I eating all this pork? Is it because I have already sucked down 38 delicious cocktails? Yeah, probably . That not-so tasty pork gave me the strength to carry on down to boystown and watch boys(townies) do pushups in their panties - so I can't hate it that much. But I wanted to love it - for two reasons. I love pork and I love comfort food. They sure do sound like they go together don't they? Unfortunately, Steubans has everything you could possibly want in a diner except good food. I know that some people don't know the difference between a plate of dirty anuses and whatever they are frying up at Applebees but I know the difference and I would appreciate not eating them thank you very much. But, I am too hard on Steubans. The food isn't terrible, I just wanted it to be so much more. I obvs didn't hate it because I went back there this weekend - WHY you ask? Well now let's get to the good part.

Les Cocktails

I don't know what it is about this summer '08 but I cannot get enough cocktails (or white wine spritzers for that matter) down my throat. Unfortunately for Denver they still haven't gotten out of the tini phase. (PS - if you want me to punch you in the face order a flirtini in front of me - it is instinctual so I cannot be held accountable). Thank GOD for Steuban's because they don't do that and I love them for it. The cocktails are classic - some of them even flaming - and they are gorgeous, if sometimes a little strong. They also have the classics with a little twist - which I think in some cases even improves the original. They have side cars and pink ladies, mojitos and dark and stormies. WHATEVER you want. Oh, and if you want a mean Mai Tai this is so the place to go. Also, they have a large selection of low end beers as I like to call them - which might sound derogatory but I prefer them to Budweiser and will order a Mickey's when I see it available. They have PBR and Lone Star and Mickey's all for the low/high price of $3 so it won't break your pocket book you prude.

On the hipster scale I give it about a 7.5 because it has plenty of bicycle parking but it is not over hipstered like so many other places on 17th or Colfax. So you can be all - I heart nature and NOT footprints of the carbon kind - or whatever you hipster hippie types like to say.

I just figured out that this place is run by the same dildos who push Vesta Dippind Grill WHICH EXPLAINS EVERYTHING! Rachael Ray loved Vesta - and I thought she was in idiot once I tried it - so she will probably cream all over this place too.

Steubans is also located pretty close to downtown although not on the DNC side - but Denver DT is so small you can still get there very easily.

523 E 17th Ave, Denver, CO -
(303) 830-1001 (http://www.steubens.com/)

Where can I get shitfaced crunk AND a delicious fried pickle?

Lucky for you the answer to this question is about a block away from the light rail.

Kiva
3090 Downing St.
Denver, CO 80205
(303) 832-5482

KIVA is a not super but semi-tasty mexican restaurant that has some super delicious pickles and a margerita that will make your stinky pinky fall right off.

Don't let the "free taco bar" fool you - because the tacos are infant sized and not good. However, what the fuck do you care THEY ARE FREE and you are already so fucked up off their signature margaritas (which will turn your tongue AND your urine a beautiful blue color) that you could be eating horsemeat and you wouldn't care- which is good because that taco meat is a touch horsey.

Anyway, the place is nice - it is right next to a light rail station on Downing - so if you want to 'get away from it all" and by that I mean - go to the other side of downtown - so you can get a little flavor in beautiful Whittier/Five Points neighborhood then it is worth the trip. I think the regular menu food is pretty good - their fried pickles were divine and if you don't know what that means - I am trying to tell you THAT GOD MADE THEM - so go there and eat them!

I am getting a little aggressive so I will sit in the corner now and look for my chi.

Dear McCain, I don't hate you because you're fat, you're fat because I hate you

Let's not argue, because you know how much I hate fighting especially with someone like you who has been waterboarded and what have you. I don't even have a problem with the fact that you cannot lift your arms over your head (which if you don't mind my saying so, I would keep on the down low - because there are people who think that means you can't lift anything heavy like decisions about L'America.) But anyway, I just wanted to ask you one little question - Please don't let that Mitt become your Viceroy - because he scares the S-H-I-T out of me. You know he might be attractive and have some kind of fancy sparkle in his eye - but he will turn me into a baby making machine - and if I am a dusty bin and am unable to reproduce what would obviously be some pretty gorgeous and brilliant offspring - I will be banished and forced to loathe any woman who has still "got it" as Mitt will call it.

- and if you don't believe me, there is a little book Margaret Atwood wrote that explains it all - it is called "What Will Become of My Adorable Uterus if Mitt Romney Becomes Vice President: A Handmaid's Tale".

Dear Jesus, I forgot to thank you for Boystown

Well shit, I have been a touch lazy with this. Please do not worry. I have still managed to get my drink on so relax.

I will now tell you where you can see a cowboy, a soccer player and the boy next door strip down to teeny tiny panties.

A little place on Broadway and first(ish) called Boystown. WHAT A TREAT!!!!

Ok, so I am not a huge fan of the stripping - I don't have any moral issues with it - because moral discussion should be saved for the homophobic Repubs and not my peeps - but here is my thing with strippers. It seems kind of funny and less of a turn on - now I am aware that I am a lady and thus, I don't vagine hard-ons from nakedness but it all seems so silly an contrived and I hate watching guys get all rowdy when waiting to see some woman's pussy - or whatever they do HOWEVER, watching a cowboy doing sit-ups on a pole wearing a cowboy hat, boots and a little panty is WAY too much fun.

And, this isn't one of those gay bars (like the Eagle) where they get all - what the fuck is a girl doing at a foam party (which by the way I don't want to discuss, not one of my better nights - unless you count watching the old man from the family guy scoot around the dance floor in loose, dingy tighty-whiteys AND HIS CANE a good night but I digress).

Anyway, my point is girls are totes allowed - there was even a bachelorette party the night before.

And the drinks are super strong - because I think they want you to get crunk and stick more dollar bills in Valentino's panties.