Do you like eating shit for dinner? You should try Benny's

Benny's Restaurante & Cantina
www.bennysrestaurant.com

301 E 7th Ave
Denver, CO 80203
(303) 894-0788

Somehow this place is the most popular shiteatery in Denver. I admit I have been there many times but in my defense, I was taken against my will every time. On the bright side, one margarita will fuck you up to the point where you lose your sense of taste and thus, are able to swallow your shit covered with cheese and "red sauce", however, if you don't immediately regret putting this food in your mouth, you will find plenty of reasons later. You can brush your teeth all you want dumb dumb but that Benny's taste never really goes away. If you want to eat mexican't - go to Chipotle asshole.

Good luck.

Dear Bagel Deli, Get Outta My Mind

Maybe your pastrami is filled with tomacco.

I cannot stop thinking about you. You consume my every thought.

You would think, since I was violently ill this week, puking and dry heaving for hours on end, that I would not be interested in gently resting your pastrami on my tongue. But your sandwiches are so delectable. I am addicted to you. I want you more than anything I have ever known. Your succulence....juicy tender glory brings me what I know must be true love. Thank you and I hate you.

YOU ARE MY TEEN WITCH

Mona's - Wine and Lube May Do Wonders, But They Won't Help You In My Eyes

Mona's Restaurant
www.monasrestaurant.com

2364 15th St
Denver, CO 80202
(303) 455-4503

I don't care how good you think you are, with your semi- tasty food, you have the absolute worst service of any restaurant I have ever been to and that includes Pita Jungle which is way more delicious so you can suck it.

Here is what I hate most about you. I hate that you have made me wait for over an hour for a table when I and everyone around me could see that you had at least five available tables. The first time this happened you were so new that I thought maybe you weren't ready to serve the number of people waiting and wanted to give quality service to each table, so you made sure that you didn't seat more tables than you could handle. Then you sucked at service once I was seated and I realized you were an idiot. I had been to your mama restaurant Emmas and even though the experience was super creepo and scarred a friend of mine for life, the food was good so I thought I should give you another chance - because I can never go back to Emmas due to the creep factor. Now you have been open long enough to know better. The second time I stood and watched as table after table left and yet my group was not seated. When we were finally able to sit in one of the ten open tables our service was so poor I vowed never to return.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and I will hate you forever.

YOU ARE HORRIBLE

Watercourse, you are tasty - but don't pretend that I won't notice you have NO MEAT for me

Watercourse
837 E 17th Ave
Denver, CO 80218
(303) 832-7313
www.watercoursefoods.com

Watercourse is everyone's favorite vegan restaurant. And yes, I have been there and YES it was really good.

The food is incredibly fresh and the menu options are varied and I was very pleased with everything considering that I had high expectations based on the recommendations of others but there was one little thing missing in my breakfast......SAUSAGE or bacon or ham or chorizo and YES they have tofu versions of some meat products but guess what isn't the same no matter what anyone says - MEAT SUBSTITUTES. I think they were invented by my version of satan. A meatless world is an unhappy world - not because we are supposed to be carnivores, using our claws to cut buffalo into bite sizes or anything - because I am not into that version of carnivory - I love it because it is delicious - if you doubt my love of meat please see my haikus about pastrami.

However, I felt a little like I was in the jungle after sifting through all those dreadlocks just to find my seat and here is the thing about patchouli - I don't care if Mark Jacobs just came out with some new perfume or cologne called white Patchouli - I do not want to smell it whilst I am sipping on a delicious hot fresh cup of coffee because it gets in the way of my nostrils and makes me scream at the top of my lungs "Gag me with a dead smurfette!".

If smoking is banned in restaurants (which I totally support) then patchouli should be too because after I went to a phish show once (don't tell anyone) in college, I swear I got second hand something from all that fucking patchouli.

Vegans and Christians hate to admit it but they remind me of each other because both of them get all judgy in my face with their rules about how I should do this or NOT eat that - or how Christ is my savior - or how I can't live without legumes. Get off my anus crazies.

PS - watercourse if very good even though I can't get my meat on.

UPDATE: from Timmy Tinkletop - the service is TERRIBLE and you will wait forever for a table because everyone who is currently seated hasn't even been served their drinks yet. I feel pretty safe in saying that hippies are slow and have better things to do (like lighting incense and dancing in circles) than serve you and this could be why the service is super sucko.

The Cruise Room - I can hardly find my way home after we meet - thank you

The Cruise Room at the Oxford Hotel
1600 17th St, Denver, CO - (303) 628-5400
http://www.theoxfordhotel.com/
(real real close to the pepsi center)

Dear The Cruise Room,

I love you and not because you were once a speakeasy and therefore one of three actual historic/ interesting destinations in the Denver- or because you are attached to one of the only halfway decent chain restaurants in this country, McCormicks and were able to save me from a drunken stupor by providing me with plenty of fried fish-type appetizers, but because your brilliant array of cocktails are so incredibly delicious.

I had a St. Germain which sounds totally pretentious.. because it was and was everything I could have hoped for, gorgeous in my mouth, not too heavy on my pocketbook* (which I still carry because I am a lady goddammit) and more than one will fuck you up real good - which means you can get shit-canned under $20)

I have been to The Cruise Room a few times and always had a wonderful time. The booths are great, no matter how loud it is in the bar you seem to never notice - and there is some sort of creative juice that is pumped through the vents like the oxygen at casinos but instead of making you want to gamble more it makes you want to write haikus about breaking and entering and a assault with a deadly weapon (ie a heavy-set brunette with big muscles) .

The table service is so good you never need to get up except to use it, so you can avoid dealing with any of the bridge and tunnel crowd who have managed to either tape or tivo According to Jim, and get all tarted up fancy-like for a drink before clubbing it up - or whatever they do - I never make it out long enough to see where they go after 10pm because I am over thirty and have a teensy bit of dignity left over from my twenties and would like to keep it thank you very much. Our waitress was fantastic and it is hard to find service in this town were you really want to leave a 20% tip because you feel like your service was extraordinary - mostly I just leave it out of fear because I know there is an underground new world order of waiters and waitresses who will kill you in their sleep if they need to - but that is a subject for another day.

Anyway, the long and the short of it, you should go there because it is way better than most of the crap you will find in lodo - and the girls don't look so whorish - or at least not before 10pm. Also one of the bellhops at the hotel hates democrats. I asked him why there was an old-timey window dressing next to the hotel (with a large banner that said democratic national headquarters - with old women mannequins wearing Obama t-shirts and holding balloons and the bellhop said Howard Dean is an asshole and I hate John Kerry. Apparently they have been guests of the hotel and were not as friendly as that republican bellhop would have liked. He did mention that Jimmy Carter was very nice - and some republican who I cannot remember because I was supercrunk when I spoke with him. Anyway, you will love the Cruise Room.


*not too pricey = cheaper than Red Lobster Margarita (aka the lobsterita - which I would highly recommend you do NOT order unless you are interested in kicking your margarita habit for eternity. Let's just say I had one a few months ago and it is still settling in my stomach. It hurts to even talk about it Thanks for nothing Red Lobster - your biscuits couldn't get you out of this mess - we are over).

Enzos - would you think it gross if I said you gave me a mouth hard-on?

Enzo's End Pizza
www.enzosend.com

3424 E Colfax Ave
Denver, CO 80206
(303) 355-4700

There isn't much in this world that is better than a pizza from Enzo's. Go there.

The End.

Parisi, poetry on your tongue

Parisi

4401 Tennyson St
Denver, CO 80212
(303) 561-0234

I am not afraid to admit that I enjoy a little poetry from time to time. I think most people who hate it for whatever reason don't really understand the point. I believe it is whatever you want it to be. For Example, Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Personally, I don't think there is any better way to describe how I feel about prosciutto - and thus, how I feel about Parisi's simple, yet elegant prosciutto (parma) sandwich. Just a little prosciutto, provolone and a baguette becomes sandwich perfection.

Yes, I realize that I recently wrote about my devotion to pastrami - but this isn't Sophie's Choice, I can love them both equally, with all of my soul without worrying about either one feeling like the lesser of the two.

Even though it took me years to move beyond the perfect parma, I discovered that Parisi is so much more than just their prosciutto. Everything you put in your mouth from their pizza to pasta, salads and fish is fucking gorgeous. They also have a fantastic italian market. Do not feel concern when you walk in and wonder if they are trying to trick you into thinking you are outdoors, because their tomfoolery stops there.

This is how much I believe Parisi - if you ever order anything that you don't love with every bone in your body - please feel free to punch me in the face. One punch by the way...

What the Christ is there to do on the Wednesday night of the convention?

The answer?

Tetris.

Yes, that simple geometric game from your youth is back in a big way at Forest Room Five on the last Wednesday of every month. For just $5, you can compete in a double-elimination bracket against the best of the best of the best gamer nerds in Colorado. Matches are played on a Super Nintendo, projected huge on the wall. You have never seen a tetromino this big in your life. Games last three minutes, and the player with the most lines at the end of the match advances. There's a grand prize of $50 for first place, and also awards for Best Dressed and Rookie of the Month. The tournament takes place at Forest Room Five, a hip little joint just across the bridge from downtown.

If you plan on eating there, just have a few backup choices in mind when you order, because they are always out of approximately one half of the items on the menu on any given night. Otherwise, it's a cool place with a crazy nice patio, featuring a gigantic moose head and a bridge for no reason. Sometimes they even show movies projected onto the adjacent apartments. Tetris is fun. Forest Room Five is fun. You can get the deets and the current power rankings at www.tetrisleague.com.

Love,
Timmy Tinkletop

The Thin Man - I moved here for you - and you treat me like this? I don't know what love is anymore

It was a beautiful summer evening in the early two thousands and I was in the Denver visiting on personal business pleasure. Some friends of mine lived by city park - and suggested we take their dog and walk to this bar called the Thin Man. We can sit outside they said, It is very chill they said (people totally said chill in the early thousands).

When we walked up to this bar - I fell in love instantly. It was everything I ever could have wanted. Great location, really nice atmosphere (take lodo and then do the opposite which means totally chill) and dogs were allowed which I wasn't familiar with having lived previously in a dog hatin' city.

The Thin Man is kind of eurobar-y but not eurotrashy. It is small and the light is just right - and the patrons are the type who prefer that you mind your business so that they can mind their business - which I like because A. I hate meeting people and B. The only person I met turned out to be one of those handjobs who can't stand the quiet - so he listens to music, watches tv and listens to the radio all at the same time - while playing his "keyboards". Neat. Let me just say cacophony, the end.

Back to my love, so aside from having the right aesthetic, this place makes the best goddamn mojitos you have ever tasted. One bartender told me he was sent to Cuba to study them - and I think he was later fired for being a bitch or something like that - and he said he always wore womyn's jeans because they made his junk appear larger than in regular jeans - so maybe he was fibbing about that but I don't care - because his drinks were magical.

Personally, I think the Thin Man re-popularized the mojito in Denver as it was at one time the only bar that served them and now the mojito is quickly turning into the martini - with it's mango this and chocolate that. Hey, if you want to rape my drinks with your crazy concoctions save it for Chili's or Applebees - that way we will never run into each other.

The Thin Man has always kept its mojito classy. Plus, they make some mean vodka infused drinks as well - which will crunk your shit up. Long story short, or whatever -short story long - the Thin Man has fantastic bartenders who make fantastic drinks in a fantastic setting and I loved every minute of this bar even though it can be overloaded with hipsters at times- hipsters don't mind me and I don't mind them thank you very much.

So all was well until the other night I went their - for a nightcap if you will with a friend of mine only to discover that the bar was not only throwing a themed party - BUT A WHITE TRASH themed party - with sidewalk bowling and a baby pool full of PBR and everyone was wearing wife beaters and black marker on their teeth - and either mullets or fake pregnancy bellies or both.

Thanks for the memories anus - but I am not sure if I can ever look at you the same.

The Bagel Delicatessen (hopefully where I will be buried when I die - from an overdose of pastrami)

The Bagel Delicatessen (http://www.thebageldeli.com/)

6439 E. Hampden Ave.

Denver, CO 80222

303-756-6667

their motto is "as authentic as it gets" and they fucking mean it

Anyone who knows me, or has ever met me for 5 seconds knows that there is only thing I love more than juicing on booze and that is eatin' on deli meats.

Someday, I will open up my Holy Meats deli (it is more"HOLY MEATS! BATMAN" than it is blessed Jesus deli meats by the way, even though the logo will have a crucifix on it which might confuse people who would be all - when did Batman get into christ? And that is none of my nevermind - I don't get into people's personal business.

Anyway, this is how much I love pastrami:

PASTRAMI Haikus

why you so goddam
good? It hurts me to wait for
you until lunchtime.

your succulence makes
me weak. I must place you on
my tongue yesterday

For six long years I have scoured this city in search of a good pastrami sandwich. I thought I would never find it, but I have done it sweet Jesus and it was topped with egg salad mmmmmmmmmm times one million. Thank you Bagel Deli for knowing what I want. I didn't even have to waste one second perusing the main menu - as pastrami (being held in the regard for which it deserves was given its own menu at this glorious place.)

Here is another thing Bagel Deli understands - good sandwiches need little to no condiments because the meat melts on the tongue while the bread keeps you from drooling on yourself in ecstasy. They did provide me with the opportunity to use condiments but I didn't need them. The egg salad was pretty good as well - and there is so much more to choose from that judging this place by one sandwich alone isn't fair. Lucky for me AND Bagel Deli - I will be eating there every day for the rest of my life...

If you live in Denver and have never been to Bagel Deli - I pity you. If you are jonesing for some quality meats while you are hanging with Bill and Hill during the DNC- I highly suggest you have them courier some of this over to wherever you are (we all know they pulled in 100 mil last year so they can afford it and they will thank you in more ways than one).

Love you Bagel Deli!
Lamanda

PS - anyone who tries to get up on my anus about a pastrami sandwich with egg salad on top not needing condiments can suck it cause I did half on and half off - so get off my anus assholes.

Old Lady who sings for free booze - thank you for making it all worthwhile, Brown Palace take two = magic

The Ship's Tavern never disappoints -http://www.brownpalace.com/location/index.cfm

This might be the second post on this bar but that means you need to go there - not that I am lazy - stop judging me!

The Ship's Tavern is a hipster joint waiting to be recognized. I am so glad I have managed to see it in all its purity before the hipsters rub their dirty little hands all over it.

The beer is cheap and the entertainment unlike anything you will find in Denver, maybe not during the DNC. I would imagine there will be a lot more stripping come August. I once lived next door to a couple who ran a stripping business out of their home. The busiest time of year was during the PGA. I guess golfers LOVE watching tainted vagines dangling in their faces just as much as the next guys.

Anyway - the woman who sings at the Ship's Tavern doesn't get paid - nor has she ever. But she has been performing for over 35 years - and she goes there every night so she might be a slight alcoholic or maybe just not ready to follow this "television" trend she has been hearing about. She has a fantastic voice and was dressed up for the Kentucky Derby - which felt a little fancier than the Safari number she was wearing the last time I was there.

Basically, every night goes like this:

Mary (the singer) has a couple of glasses of wine - then she belts out something Frank Sinatra or a song that I imagine comes from Guys and Dolls. Then she sits down - while the pianist plays songs like - Say a Little Prayer for You or Pianoman (so meta). Once he takes a break some guy - who is either a fireman - or just large and in charge enough to need suspenders to keep up his sweatpants - starts singing as well (also not getting paid) - and this is unaccompanied and a little awkward and THE MOST FUN EVER.



Please go - you will not be disappointed.

Steubans, how can you be such a cocktease when it comes to food and still manage to put out with such delish cocktails?

Somebody mentioned to me the other night how annoying the term eatery is, which I totally agree with - and since I am annoyed at Steubans for kind of fucking up comfort food I am going to refer to it as such so here goes you shiteatery.

I have been researching the shit out of Steuban's for the past few weeks (I think we all know that "research" is interchangeable with getting my supercrunk on) - and feel pretty safe in saying - that you should come for the drinks but leave before you pay 16 dollars for shitty fried chicken - I can tell you right now it is way more delicious at the unSafeway a few blocks away and much cheaper too - unless you don't care what you put in your mouth you dirty savage. In that case EAT away dummy.

Oh, except for the fries - they are tasty - and you can get them with gravy which I really wanted to do but thought it a bit heavy to have gravy as an appetizer - especially when it was about to be followed by a pork sandwich. In retrospect I deeply regret that decision. The pork wasn't bad - but it wasn't good - it just left me thinking - why am I eating all this pork? Is it because I have already sucked down 38 delicious cocktails? Yeah, probably . That not-so tasty pork gave me the strength to carry on down to boystown and watch boys(townies) do pushups in their panties - so I can't hate it that much. But I wanted to love it - for two reasons. I love pork and I love comfort food. They sure do sound like they go together don't they? Unfortunately, Steubans has everything you could possibly want in a diner except good food. I know that some people don't know the difference between a plate of dirty anuses and whatever they are frying up at Applebees but I know the difference and I would appreciate not eating them thank you very much. But, I am too hard on Steubans. The food isn't terrible, I just wanted it to be so much more. I obvs didn't hate it because I went back there this weekend - WHY you ask? Well now let's get to the good part.

Les Cocktails

I don't know what it is about this summer '08 but I cannot get enough cocktails (or white wine spritzers for that matter) down my throat. Unfortunately for Denver they still haven't gotten out of the tini phase. (PS - if you want me to punch you in the face order a flirtini in front of me - it is instinctual so I cannot be held accountable). Thank GOD for Steuban's because they don't do that and I love them for it. The cocktails are classic - some of them even flaming - and they are gorgeous, if sometimes a little strong. They also have the classics with a little twist - which I think in some cases even improves the original. They have side cars and pink ladies, mojitos and dark and stormies. WHATEVER you want. Oh, and if you want a mean Mai Tai this is so the place to go. Also, they have a large selection of low end beers as I like to call them - which might sound derogatory but I prefer them to Budweiser and will order a Mickey's when I see it available. They have PBR and Lone Star and Mickey's all for the low/high price of $3 so it won't break your pocket book you prude.

On the hipster scale I give it about a 7.5 because it has plenty of bicycle parking but it is not over hipstered like so many other places on 17th or Colfax. So you can be all - I heart nature and NOT footprints of the carbon kind - or whatever you hipster hippie types like to say.

I just figured out that this place is run by the same dildos who push Vesta Dippind Grill WHICH EXPLAINS EVERYTHING! Rachael Ray loved Vesta - and I thought she was in idiot once I tried it - so she will probably cream all over this place too.

Steubans is also located pretty close to downtown although not on the DNC side - but Denver DT is so small you can still get there very easily.

523 E 17th Ave, Denver, CO -
(303) 830-1001 (http://www.steubens.com/)

Where can I get shitfaced crunk AND a delicious fried pickle?

Lucky for you the answer to this question is about a block away from the light rail.

Kiva
3090 Downing St.
Denver, CO 80205
(303) 832-5482

KIVA is a not super but semi-tasty mexican restaurant that has some super delicious pickles and a margerita that will make your stinky pinky fall right off.

Don't let the "free taco bar" fool you - because the tacos are infant sized and not good. However, what the fuck do you care THEY ARE FREE and you are already so fucked up off their signature margaritas (which will turn your tongue AND your urine a beautiful blue color) that you could be eating horsemeat and you wouldn't care- which is good because that taco meat is a touch horsey.

Anyway, the place is nice - it is right next to a light rail station on Downing - so if you want to 'get away from it all" and by that I mean - go to the other side of downtown - so you can get a little flavor in beautiful Whittier/Five Points neighborhood then it is worth the trip. I think the regular menu food is pretty good - their fried pickles were divine and if you don't know what that means - I am trying to tell you THAT GOD MADE THEM - so go there and eat them!

I am getting a little aggressive so I will sit in the corner now and look for my chi.

Dear McCain, I don't hate you because you're fat, you're fat because I hate you

Let's not argue, because you know how much I hate fighting especially with someone like you who has been waterboarded and what have you. I don't even have a problem with the fact that you cannot lift your arms over your head (which if you don't mind my saying so, I would keep on the down low - because there are people who think that means you can't lift anything heavy like decisions about L'America.) But anyway, I just wanted to ask you one little question - Please don't let that Mitt become your Viceroy - because he scares the S-H-I-T out of me. You know he might be attractive and have some kind of fancy sparkle in his eye - but he will turn me into a baby making machine - and if I am a dusty bin and am unable to reproduce what would obviously be some pretty gorgeous and brilliant offspring - I will be banished and forced to loathe any woman who has still "got it" as Mitt will call it.

- and if you don't believe me, there is a little book Margaret Atwood wrote that explains it all - it is called "What Will Become of My Adorable Uterus if Mitt Romney Becomes Vice President: A Handmaid's Tale".

Dear Jesus, I forgot to thank you for Boystown

Well shit, I have been a touch lazy with this. Please do not worry. I have still managed to get my drink on so relax.

I will now tell you where you can see a cowboy, a soccer player and the boy next door strip down to teeny tiny panties.

A little place on Broadway and first(ish) called Boystown. WHAT A TREAT!!!!

Ok, so I am not a huge fan of the stripping - I don't have any moral issues with it - because moral discussion should be saved for the homophobic Repubs and not my peeps - but here is my thing with strippers. It seems kind of funny and less of a turn on - now I am aware that I am a lady and thus, I don't vagine hard-ons from nakedness but it all seems so silly an contrived and I hate watching guys get all rowdy when waiting to see some woman's pussy - or whatever they do HOWEVER, watching a cowboy doing sit-ups on a pole wearing a cowboy hat, boots and a little panty is WAY too much fun.

And, this isn't one of those gay bars (like the Eagle) where they get all - what the fuck is a girl doing at a foam party (which by the way I don't want to discuss, not one of my better nights - unless you count watching the old man from the family guy scoot around the dance floor in loose, dingy tighty-whiteys AND HIS CANE a good night but I digress).

Anyway, my point is girls are totes allowed - there was even a bachelorette party the night before.

And the drinks are super strong - because I think they want you to get crunk and stick more dollar bills in Valentino's panties.