What the Christ is there to do on the Wednesday night of the convention?

The answer?

Tetris.

Yes, that simple geometric game from your youth is back in a big way at Forest Room Five on the last Wednesday of every month. For just $5, you can compete in a double-elimination bracket against the best of the best of the best gamer nerds in Colorado. Matches are played on a Super Nintendo, projected huge on the wall. You have never seen a tetromino this big in your life. Games last three minutes, and the player with the most lines at the end of the match advances. There's a grand prize of $50 for first place, and also awards for Best Dressed and Rookie of the Month. The tournament takes place at Forest Room Five, a hip little joint just across the bridge from downtown.

If you plan on eating there, just have a few backup choices in mind when you order, because they are always out of approximately one half of the items on the menu on any given night. Otherwise, it's a cool place with a crazy nice patio, featuring a gigantic moose head and a bridge for no reason. Sometimes they even show movies projected onto the adjacent apartments. Tetris is fun. Forest Room Five is fun. You can get the deets and the current power rankings at www.tetrisleague.com.

Love,
Timmy Tinkletop

The Thin Man - I moved here for you - and you treat me like this? I don't know what love is anymore

It was a beautiful summer evening in the early two thousands and I was in the Denver visiting on personal business pleasure. Some friends of mine lived by city park - and suggested we take their dog and walk to this bar called the Thin Man. We can sit outside they said, It is very chill they said (people totally said chill in the early thousands).

When we walked up to this bar - I fell in love instantly. It was everything I ever could have wanted. Great location, really nice atmosphere (take lodo and then do the opposite which means totally chill) and dogs were allowed which I wasn't familiar with having lived previously in a dog hatin' city.

The Thin Man is kind of eurobar-y but not eurotrashy. It is small and the light is just right - and the patrons are the type who prefer that you mind your business so that they can mind their business - which I like because A. I hate meeting people and B. The only person I met turned out to be one of those handjobs who can't stand the quiet - so he listens to music, watches tv and listens to the radio all at the same time - while playing his "keyboards". Neat. Let me just say cacophony, the end.

Back to my love, so aside from having the right aesthetic, this place makes the best goddamn mojitos you have ever tasted. One bartender told me he was sent to Cuba to study them - and I think he was later fired for being a bitch or something like that - and he said he always wore womyn's jeans because they made his junk appear larger than in regular jeans - so maybe he was fibbing about that but I don't care - because his drinks were magical.

Personally, I think the Thin Man re-popularized the mojito in Denver as it was at one time the only bar that served them and now the mojito is quickly turning into the martini - with it's mango this and chocolate that. Hey, if you want to rape my drinks with your crazy concoctions save it for Chili's or Applebees - that way we will never run into each other.

The Thin Man has always kept its mojito classy. Plus, they make some mean vodka infused drinks as well - which will crunk your shit up. Long story short, or whatever -short story long - the Thin Man has fantastic bartenders who make fantastic drinks in a fantastic setting and I loved every minute of this bar even though it can be overloaded with hipsters at times- hipsters don't mind me and I don't mind them thank you very much.

So all was well until the other night I went their - for a nightcap if you will with a friend of mine only to discover that the bar was not only throwing a themed party - BUT A WHITE TRASH themed party - with sidewalk bowling and a baby pool full of PBR and everyone was wearing wife beaters and black marker on their teeth - and either mullets or fake pregnancy bellies or both.

Thanks for the memories anus - but I am not sure if I can ever look at you the same.

The Bagel Delicatessen (hopefully where I will be buried when I die - from an overdose of pastrami)

The Bagel Delicatessen (http://www.thebageldeli.com/)

6439 E. Hampden Ave.

Denver, CO 80222

303-756-6667

their motto is "as authentic as it gets" and they fucking mean it

Anyone who knows me, or has ever met me for 5 seconds knows that there is only thing I love more than juicing on booze and that is eatin' on deli meats.

Someday, I will open up my Holy Meats deli (it is more"HOLY MEATS! BATMAN" than it is blessed Jesus deli meats by the way, even though the logo will have a crucifix on it which might confuse people who would be all - when did Batman get into christ? And that is none of my nevermind - I don't get into people's personal business.

Anyway, this is how much I love pastrami:

PASTRAMI Haikus

why you so goddam
good? It hurts me to wait for
you until lunchtime.

your succulence makes
me weak. I must place you on
my tongue yesterday

For six long years I have scoured this city in search of a good pastrami sandwich. I thought I would never find it, but I have done it sweet Jesus and it was topped with egg salad mmmmmmmmmm times one million. Thank you Bagel Deli for knowing what I want. I didn't even have to waste one second perusing the main menu - as pastrami (being held in the regard for which it deserves was given its own menu at this glorious place.)

Here is another thing Bagel Deli understands - good sandwiches need little to no condiments because the meat melts on the tongue while the bread keeps you from drooling on yourself in ecstasy. They did provide me with the opportunity to use condiments but I didn't need them. The egg salad was pretty good as well - and there is so much more to choose from that judging this place by one sandwich alone isn't fair. Lucky for me AND Bagel Deli - I will be eating there every day for the rest of my life...

If you live in Denver and have never been to Bagel Deli - I pity you. If you are jonesing for some quality meats while you are hanging with Bill and Hill during the DNC- I highly suggest you have them courier some of this over to wherever you are (we all know they pulled in 100 mil last year so they can afford it and they will thank you in more ways than one).

Love you Bagel Deli!
Lamanda

PS - anyone who tries to get up on my anus about a pastrami sandwich with egg salad on top not needing condiments can suck it cause I did half on and half off - so get off my anus assholes.

Old Lady who sings for free booze - thank you for making it all worthwhile, Brown Palace take two = magic

The Ship's Tavern never disappoints -http://www.brownpalace.com/location/index.cfm

This might be the second post on this bar but that means you need to go there - not that I am lazy - stop judging me!

The Ship's Tavern is a hipster joint waiting to be recognized. I am so glad I have managed to see it in all its purity before the hipsters rub their dirty little hands all over it.

The beer is cheap and the entertainment unlike anything you will find in Denver, maybe not during the DNC. I would imagine there will be a lot more stripping come August. I once lived next door to a couple who ran a stripping business out of their home. The busiest time of year was during the PGA. I guess golfers LOVE watching tainted vagines dangling in their faces just as much as the next guys.

Anyway - the woman who sings at the Ship's Tavern doesn't get paid - nor has she ever. But she has been performing for over 35 years - and she goes there every night so she might be a slight alcoholic or maybe just not ready to follow this "television" trend she has been hearing about. She has a fantastic voice and was dressed up for the Kentucky Derby - which felt a little fancier than the Safari number she was wearing the last time I was there.

Basically, every night goes like this:

Mary (the singer) has a couple of glasses of wine - then she belts out something Frank Sinatra or a song that I imagine comes from Guys and Dolls. Then she sits down - while the pianist plays songs like - Say a Little Prayer for You or Pianoman (so meta). Once he takes a break some guy - who is either a fireman - or just large and in charge enough to need suspenders to keep up his sweatpants - starts singing as well (also not getting paid) - and this is unaccompanied and a little awkward and THE MOST FUN EVER.



Please go - you will not be disappointed.

Steubans, how can you be such a cocktease when it comes to food and still manage to put out with such delish cocktails?

Somebody mentioned to me the other night how annoying the term eatery is, which I totally agree with - and since I am annoyed at Steubans for kind of fucking up comfort food I am going to refer to it as such so here goes you shiteatery.

I have been researching the shit out of Steuban's for the past few weeks (I think we all know that "research" is interchangeable with getting my supercrunk on) - and feel pretty safe in saying - that you should come for the drinks but leave before you pay 16 dollars for shitty fried chicken - I can tell you right now it is way more delicious at the unSafeway a few blocks away and much cheaper too - unless you don't care what you put in your mouth you dirty savage. In that case EAT away dummy.

Oh, except for the fries - they are tasty - and you can get them with gravy which I really wanted to do but thought it a bit heavy to have gravy as an appetizer - especially when it was about to be followed by a pork sandwich. In retrospect I deeply regret that decision. The pork wasn't bad - but it wasn't good - it just left me thinking - why am I eating all this pork? Is it because I have already sucked down 38 delicious cocktails? Yeah, probably . That not-so tasty pork gave me the strength to carry on down to boystown and watch boys(townies) do pushups in their panties - so I can't hate it that much. But I wanted to love it - for two reasons. I love pork and I love comfort food. They sure do sound like they go together don't they? Unfortunately, Steubans has everything you could possibly want in a diner except good food. I know that some people don't know the difference between a plate of dirty anuses and whatever they are frying up at Applebees but I know the difference and I would appreciate not eating them thank you very much. But, I am too hard on Steubans. The food isn't terrible, I just wanted it to be so much more. I obvs didn't hate it because I went back there this weekend - WHY you ask? Well now let's get to the good part.

Les Cocktails

I don't know what it is about this summer '08 but I cannot get enough cocktails (or white wine spritzers for that matter) down my throat. Unfortunately for Denver they still haven't gotten out of the tini phase. (PS - if you want me to punch you in the face order a flirtini in front of me - it is instinctual so I cannot be held accountable). Thank GOD for Steuban's because they don't do that and I love them for it. The cocktails are classic - some of them even flaming - and they are gorgeous, if sometimes a little strong. They also have the classics with a little twist - which I think in some cases even improves the original. They have side cars and pink ladies, mojitos and dark and stormies. WHATEVER you want. Oh, and if you want a mean Mai Tai this is so the place to go. Also, they have a large selection of low end beers as I like to call them - which might sound derogatory but I prefer them to Budweiser and will order a Mickey's when I see it available. They have PBR and Lone Star and Mickey's all for the low/high price of $3 so it won't break your pocket book you prude.

On the hipster scale I give it about a 7.5 because it has plenty of bicycle parking but it is not over hipstered like so many other places on 17th or Colfax. So you can be all - I heart nature and NOT footprints of the carbon kind - or whatever you hipster hippie types like to say.

I just figured out that this place is run by the same dildos who push Vesta Dippind Grill WHICH EXPLAINS EVERYTHING! Rachael Ray loved Vesta - and I thought she was in idiot once I tried it - so she will probably cream all over this place too.

Steubans is also located pretty close to downtown although not on the DNC side - but Denver DT is so small you can still get there very easily.

523 E 17th Ave, Denver, CO -
(303) 830-1001 (http://www.steubens.com/)

Where can I get shitfaced crunk AND a delicious fried pickle?

Lucky for you the answer to this question is about a block away from the light rail.

Kiva
3090 Downing St.
Denver, CO 80205
(303) 832-5482

KIVA is a not super but semi-tasty mexican restaurant that has some super delicious pickles and a margerita that will make your stinky pinky fall right off.

Don't let the "free taco bar" fool you - because the tacos are infant sized and not good. However, what the fuck do you care THEY ARE FREE and you are already so fucked up off their signature margaritas (which will turn your tongue AND your urine a beautiful blue color) that you could be eating horsemeat and you wouldn't care- which is good because that taco meat is a touch horsey.

Anyway, the place is nice - it is right next to a light rail station on Downing - so if you want to 'get away from it all" and by that I mean - go to the other side of downtown - so you can get a little flavor in beautiful Whittier/Five Points neighborhood then it is worth the trip. I think the regular menu food is pretty good - their fried pickles were divine and if you don't know what that means - I am trying to tell you THAT GOD MADE THEM - so go there and eat them!

I am getting a little aggressive so I will sit in the corner now and look for my chi.

Dear McCain, I don't hate you because you're fat, you're fat because I hate you

Let's not argue, because you know how much I hate fighting especially with someone like you who has been waterboarded and what have you. I don't even have a problem with the fact that you cannot lift your arms over your head (which if you don't mind my saying so, I would keep on the down low - because there are people who think that means you can't lift anything heavy like decisions about L'America.) But anyway, I just wanted to ask you one little question - Please don't let that Mitt become your Viceroy - because he scares the S-H-I-T out of me. You know he might be attractive and have some kind of fancy sparkle in his eye - but he will turn me into a baby making machine - and if I am a dusty bin and am unable to reproduce what would obviously be some pretty gorgeous and brilliant offspring - I will be banished and forced to loathe any woman who has still "got it" as Mitt will call it.

- and if you don't believe me, there is a little book Margaret Atwood wrote that explains it all - it is called "What Will Become of My Adorable Uterus if Mitt Romney Becomes Vice President: A Handmaid's Tale".

Dear Jesus, I forgot to thank you for Boystown

Well shit, I have been a touch lazy with this. Please do not worry. I have still managed to get my drink on so relax.

I will now tell you where you can see a cowboy, a soccer player and the boy next door strip down to teeny tiny panties.

A little place on Broadway and first(ish) called Boystown. WHAT A TREAT!!!!

Ok, so I am not a huge fan of the stripping - I don't have any moral issues with it - because moral discussion should be saved for the homophobic Repubs and not my peeps - but here is my thing with strippers. It seems kind of funny and less of a turn on - now I am aware that I am a lady and thus, I don't vagine hard-ons from nakedness but it all seems so silly an contrived and I hate watching guys get all rowdy when waiting to see some woman's pussy - or whatever they do HOWEVER, watching a cowboy doing sit-ups on a pole wearing a cowboy hat, boots and a little panty is WAY too much fun.

And, this isn't one of those gay bars (like the Eagle) where they get all - what the fuck is a girl doing at a foam party (which by the way I don't want to discuss, not one of my better nights - unless you count watching the old man from the family guy scoot around the dance floor in loose, dingy tighty-whiteys AND HIS CANE a good night but I digress).

Anyway, my point is girls are totes allowed - there was even a bachelorette party the night before.

And the drinks are super strong - because I think they want you to get crunk and stick more dollar bills in Valentino's panties.

Poor Little Rich Girl

Poor little Hillary - everyone is so mean to you. One minute your people tell you keep sweet and then the next minute they tell you to attack all the while Mr. John Q. is judging your every move. You might need to get new people. I don't know what you should do but I think you should be prepared for the worst little one, because it looks like everyone is getting on the Obama train.

Sorry

LYLAS,
a little lady with an inquiring mind, regarding sincerity and how Bill should teach you how to fake it.

Shhh, It's too late to Root for Rudy

I know your a total Republican but I always admired how you turned New York City from a cesspool of originality to a Disney World (New York) with your harsh penalties for vagrancy and windshield window washing. In all honesty, I was fond of you because in a strange way, you remind me of a boy I made out with in high-school because I thought he was my beau but really he was the beau of a girl who annoyed me, but he didn't tell me that because he was a bastard, but aren't they all in high school. He's married now and would totally get his rocks off if he knew I mentioned him in this little blag, so let's keep it our secret, Rudy. No matter your stance on health care or immigration, you would have been better than George W. (P.S. You will always be President of 9/11 in my book).

Another Pageant Beauty Must Say Good-bye

Unfortunately, we must say good-night to the adorable John (Richie Rich) Edwards. Your sweet smile and long lovely eyelashes shall be but a memory in my giant brain. I don't know what you really stood for but you loved poor people and you looked good with crows feet - made you look more "presidential". I think you are the bees knees in cuteness. You were such a sight for sore eyes and you will be missed.

I love the picture below because it is titled (thank you -the end - which I think says it all.)

Obama's in the Denver and I am totally crushing

For some reason, I feel a bit weak in the knees this Wednesday morning. Is it because I am hungover from my dinner of red wine and Corn Chex? Nope, Barack Obama is in the Denver this beautiful winter morn. Why is he so mega-cute? I want to take a bite of Barack. I want just a little piece of him. How can you not love this guy. He has everything we need in a President. He's adorable, personable, cute, brilliant(how would I know that? I don't but I feel it, you know?) and charismatic. So, maybe I don't get his platform right this very moment. He is a 10 outta 10 on my Political Sexy Scale. Oh, if that isn't enough, master Bill will be hitting the Denver tonight!!!! I cannot wait. This is the sexiest year in political history. I must admit I am a little disappointed that the adorable John Edwards is backing out of the race today because it would be the icing on the cake to have that precious and precocious Edwards to sink my dirty little teeth into. At this point, I couldn't give a shit who becomes the next president - well, I guess that isn't true, Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee scare the s-h-i-t out of me. Je loathe religonaut presidents and these nut jobs are the craziest of the bunch. Even though they might not be much use to me, I still would like to have rights and I just don't see these guys really into that. I mean Mormons believe women are walking wombs and Baptists give me nightmares. But, who REALLY thinks that they will make it ahead of McCain. Although, it will be rather important to see who McCain picks to be his #2 because he probably won't make it past inauguration, isn't he mostly dead?

Anyhoo, long story short, I will be catcalling from my office today! Who wants to join me! Gooooooooooooo Obama! You precious little prince you.

Good Morning New Year, I Have a Little Suprise For You

This morning I realized something important about my attempt to rate different restaurants and bars in the Denver, for everyone and no one during the Democratic National Convention. If by chance you have happened upon this blog by some sort of accident, you would have no way to judge my expectations, my disappointments because you don't know me so how can you know if I know what I am talking about or how can I know what you necessarily like or don't like. Right?

As I was showering this morning, I was thinking of how angry little Hillary must be right now, having placed third in Iowa last night. The following is the actual conversation I had in my head whilst taking my morning shower:

I bet Hillary is one P.O.ed lady this morning. I wonder what kind of advice Bill might offer since he didn't even participate in the 1992 caucus - like how it isn't that big of a deal or how Barack is the pretty one but Hillary is the smart one. I bet they aren't even in the same city together...I wonder what Bill was up to last night. He is super cute for an older guy and seems like he would be super fun to hang out with. I would love to just take him out on the town and OMG I should totally write all of my reviews based one where I would and would not take Bill....it would totally be the most!

So for 2008 I have decided that in order for you the reader to understand me the reviewer it would be best to base all notions of good and bad on a third party we both know...Bill Clinton. If you don't know who Bill Clinton is I hate you for being stupid turn off your computer now you are a fire hazard.

The End

UPDATE: on second thought that idea is for losers so nevermind

You Lie Rachael Ray - Vesta Dipping Grill is Crappo.

It has taken me many moons to try this Vesta Dipping Grill (shticky is for vaudville and not for eating) - I have heard fantastic things about this place, including Rachael Ray - who was in the Denver for either $40 or Tasty Travels or something - and she was all up on the Vesta. Maybe she just made it up - or maybe Bobby Flay hates her for good reason (we know she likes to bite the Oprah hand that feeds her - but I like her salad dressings - so I assumed she either knew what she was talking about - or wouldn't lie to me - considering all the places in all the Denver - she picked this place for dinner) anyway - she is a fatface bald liar.

1) The dipping sauces aren't interesting
2) What you dip them in isn't cooked or presented well
3) Dipping is for losers
4) DON'T GET THE SCALLOPS
5) Go to Chilis if you want your wallet raped

Wyman's - The place to pick up 70+ rejuveniles

Bar: Wymans

Style: Neigborhoody, kinda pubby, lots of wood

Music: 90s Alternative - the guys that work at this bar probably graduated in 1993 because it is all kinds of Nirvana, Sound Garden, That Scott Weiland Band that was real popular, also bands like Counting Crowes and other shit that was popular in the early 90s. Wanna hear Jeremy about 17 times? Then go here. It just feels right to older spinstas who need the comfort of remembering what being insecure really was like. What I have lost in elasticity I have gained in confidence - why don't you go write about that irony little Alanis.

Girls tart up to look like: they just finished the shuttle run

Age Range: 30s and 70s+ no in the middle - you won't find a 40something but you will definitely find a 30something and a 70something

Booze Price: Reasonable

Signature Drinks: No such thing

Sexy Terror Alert: If you think tennis loving elderly men are sexy than this terror level is on high, but they are real sweet anyway and probably better than some of the dorkus malorkus types in lodo (although I still haven't made it their yet, so I am still just being a judger)

Average length of time it took a lady to get ready before her arrival: No one gets ready to come here - you are just somewhere else one minute and then here the next.

FYI on my day, I have just spent the last fifty minutes fantasizing about how Ryan Reynolds probably broke up with that Alanis because he got sick of her constantly pointing out shit to him that she thought was ironic which, in fact, was nothing of the sort. I know that song is rahter old for me to be mentioning but I will never get over it the trauma of it all and that song would TOTALLY be played at this bar because it hearts early 90s music like no other bar in town. What brought me to this daydream of Alanis telling Ryan, "I really wanted to 69 but you just wanted an HJ, sigh, that's irony", or "Hey Ryan, hand me that spoon, oh wait, that's a knife, you're so ironic," was based on a discussion betwixt myself and Lulu of the last two bars we visited.

Lulu allegedly met the man of her dreams at the bar she went to last week. You can't be over 27 years old and not finish the sentence "It's like meeting the man of your dreams" without the phrase "and then meeting his beautiful wife." It isn't possible.

Secondly, the last bar I visited seemed like it would fit in well with the craziness of that song. "It's like wanting to meet a the man of your dreams in his 30s but only meeting men in their 70s". PS ( I just can't get that visual of all those Alanises in that car with the cornrow hair and the hat and the crazy eating like a squirrel - sooooooooooo annoying.

Anyway, the point is, that while I love Wyman's and happen to go there more than any other bar in this town, (mostly out of convenience) I will never meet the man of my dreams, unless my vision of a dream date is a guy who lives at the retirement home next door. There are several retirement apartment buildings in the Capitol Hill area and they tend to feed into this bar because it is far enough away from the Colfax that they probably won't get jumped on their way in and these guys love tennis and Congress Park tennis courts are just a few minutes away as well, so this place is perfect.

The food is pretty good and the menu ranges from sandwiches and salads to pizzas. Pretty good for bar food. The two ladies who work in the kitchen do not seem to like the bar staff because they mock them when they don't think anyone is watching which Lulu and I know because we are always watching. They also love to text message. They are entertaining.

There are a lot of drunk girls but most people who attend this bar come in large groups. While I managed to pick up a nice little chef once, that was 4 years ago and even though I am not getting any younger, I do not believe this is because I have let myself go that much, I think this is just a matter of the way the bar has evolved.

There are several pool tables and the bar has a very relaxed vibe, and while I did get into a fist fight once with a guy there he was totally wasted and fucking with me aby touching me and yellwhispering in my ear so I had to check him.

No matter what, if you come by yourself, this is a great place to hang out at the bar and talk to the locals, aka the retirement fellas who hang out there, they are definitely a nice touch and are always fun to talk to.

The End,
Mallory

Where the Christ in Denver do I meet a divorcee? - Part I - the liquor aisle of Target

Objective: To land a cougar....or a lynx, bobcat, or maybe even a tigress!

Where to lock your radar: Target's liquor aisle

Style: Red bubbles and circles and low prices

Music: N/A

Girls tart up to look like: They haven't been crying into a pint of Chunky Monkey for eight straight days.

Age Range: 40+

Booze Price: Bargain Basement

Signature Drinks: Whatever your little heart can dream up

Sexy Terror Alert: If you think desperation is sexy, the Terror Alert is off the charts

Thoughts by my fellow Americans: You don't say!

Average length of time it took a lady to get ready before her arrival: However long it takes to wipe off the mascara that ran down their faces.

Now, normally, I would be more in the ladypower camp than the prey-on-the-weak camp. But this camper has changed her tune. Never in my life have I sensed such a giant vacuum of loneliness like the liquor aisle at Target. It's roped off on the Lord's day, but the rest of the week, it will try to suck you into its vortex of shame, guilt, and desperation. What am I getting at, dear readers? The liquor aisle at Target is the best place in Denver to meet new divorcees!

One only needs to glance down its hallowed hallway to glimpse the finest in low-priced vodka, buckets of margarita mix, and women who have been harassing their ex-husbands' secretaries for months, looking for any small clue of infidelity. You can see it in their eyes. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and hell ALSO hath no fury so great as the rage which gives thine scorned woman thirst. These ladies like to get their drink on done. And they like to get their alcohol from a well-lit place, where they can hide it in their cart under the Charmin, just in case they run into Terri, that bitch from next door who they just KNOW was listening to all the screaming matches over who got the flat screen TV when the bastard moved out.

This is where you want to be, young Democrats. These ladies want affection, and they want it now. All you need to do is walk up to them, feed them some lines about how their eyes are beautiful because you can see the pain behind them, and three minutes later, you will be getting an HJ at the wheel while you drive back to her place. It's a win-win.

All my love,
Lulu

Ship Tavern at The Brown Palace - Where the Christ can I find a good Ethel Merman impersonator?

This bar might be landlocked but you would never know it.

Hotel: The Brown Palace (17th and Broadway)

Hotel Bar: Ship Tavern

Style: 1800s not-chic

Music: Piano with an old lady wearing a Safari outfit including a safari hat

Girls tart up to look like: Not even close to applicable

Age Range: 50s/60s/70s

Booze Price: Reasonable

Signature Drinks: Not Interesting

Sexy Terror Alert: Also not even close to applicable, unless you think the Ethel Merman impersonator was sexy then you and I have different concepts of sexy and you are totally grossing me out right now pervert.

Thoughts by my fellow Americans: This little gem has got to be Denver's best kept secret.

Average length of time it took a lady to get ready before her arrival: Lady is a stretch, probably about 5 minutes or less, if you count washing your hands after you use the bathroom.

This place is fucking awesome. It feels so much more like Denver because nobody cares what he or she looks like. I was kinda drunk by that point and should not have had the ketel-lope signature drink because I might not have had as much fun had I stuck to water at that point.

The waitress was real nice, this place is not even close to pretentious and neither is the staff, probably because there is no time for pretentiousness when you have a bunch of mouths to feed at home and this staff looked like it had MOUTHS TO FEED.

The booze were not expensive and the food was sorta under the sea(ish) if I remember correctly. I totally want to go back and have fish and chips because the place smelled like vineger and not in the way the Christina Aquilera smells like vinegar or hot dogs or whatever it is that she is supposed to smell like. It smells like vinegar in the I could use some salt on my fish and chips thank you very much vinegar.

The absolute best part was the live entertainment. I was ready to sing the pianists praises just based on his performance alone - kinda showtunesy (which I don't normally like but it felt real real right in this context) and kinda rat packy. But then all of the sudden, this big bold voice sounding just like Ethel Merman starts beliting out the words to a song which may or may not have been the actual lyrics and the planets fucking aligned. I get it now. We were debating as to whether this woman was paid to sing or if she just had a few too many bourbons one night and started singing to the piano and has just been coming back every night since then and no one wants to tell her to stop because she is pretty great and she is one hundred years old. She was amazing. And, she was wearing old-school Banana Republic. Remember in the late 80s when you could buy an entire safari outfit including the jacket and hat. Well this lady knew that the classics never die and is still sporting the look today and while she didn't exactly fit in the old-timey ship theme she really rocked it.

I loved this place because there was more character and heart in this place than any of the other hotel bars combined. Everyone seemed truly to be having a good time, even if I was drunk.


UPDATE: looks like the answer is - gets paid in booze and attention

Harry's - The Magnolia Hotel - Where the Christ can I get a drink at a hotel bar and look sexier than everyone else?

This is the perfect place to go if you want to feel like the pretty one.

Hotel: The Magnolia (17th and Stout)

Hotel Bar: Harry's

Style: 50s chic

Music: Eurodance / Clublite

Girls tart up to look like: Trishelle from the Real World Las Vegas (NOT A JOKE)

Age Range: 30s/40s

Booze Price: Very Reasonable

Signature Drinks: Not Stupid

Sexy Terror Alert: More like musket sexy or even less. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE COOL TO GO TO THIS BAR - no one can judge you

Thoughts by my fellow Americans: Looks like it was designed after the Standard Hotel in L.A. but without the sexy clientele.

Average length of time it took a lady to get ready before her arrival: Two Hours - but it was a wasted two hours.

This bar is pretty. The dark faux wood-paneling still works, even if kind of last year, because the rest of the decor is clean lines, simple shades of whites and neutrals and the lights on the ceiling look like the candy that comes on sheets of paper. The Harry's sign behind the bar lights up and changes colors as do the lights inside the blocks that make up the base of the tables. There is a bar in Tulsa, Oklahoma that started doing that a couple of years ago so it can't be hip anymore. It still works and is subtle enough that it isn't annoying or anything like some places where you are talking to someone but are always distracted by the fact that the person's face you are speaking with keeps changing colors because of the god damn lights. This isn't like that at all.

Now, this is a bar I can sink my teeth into. I can go there and look like shit (which I usually do as a 32 year old spinsta) and not feel like a total loser. I felt very comfortable. Maybe because I was one of 8 people in the entire bar, three of whom were with me and were the most attractive and best dressed in the house. I guess I felt like I was with the sexy customers if you will. The rest of the townies were kind of confused tarts and some very obvious guests of the hotel. It was fantastic. I hate going to bars where I feel like an anus and that was certainly NOT the case here.

Also, I hearted our waitress big time. Not pretentious at all. So many times, I feel like bartenders and waitstaff who work in the hotel industry are superdicks because they rarely rely on repeat customers. This place should have been busier because the drinks were reasonable and the waitstaff, at least our waitress was pretty perfect. I think she was of similar age and just glad she didn't have to talk to the Trishelle-alikes anymore.

I didn't feel like I was in a hotel bar, except for the fact that (and I kid you not) you had to pass the dance floor of a wedding reception in progress in order to use the ladies room. Not so bad for the punters of the bar, but I would NEVER get married where some asshole has to walk through my wedding on his way to make water. Grody to the max times 2.
Our tab for 4 people was around $18 which considering we had a variety of drinks from beer to wine to gimlets - it was cheap.

This place is perfect if you want to sit in a relatively empty but stylish little bar and have some cheaper drinks and not have to yell at each other. Plus, you can be the sexiest person in the place if you want.

The End,
Mall

The Corner Office Bar - The Curtis Hotel - Where the Christ can I get a reasonably priced drink in a fancy schmancy hotel bar?

Last weekend, was the first official taste-testing of the Denver. Hotel Bars were the crawl and well, I was definitely pleasantly surprised.

Hotel: The Curtis Hotel (14th and Curtis)

Hotel Bar: The Corner Office

Style: Brady Bunch Chic

Music: Clubby R&B

Girls tart up to look like: Jessica Simpson

Age Range: 20s/30s

Booze Price: Very Reasonable / Cheap Bastard worthy

Signature Drinks: Not Stupid

Food Price: Very Reasonable

Food Creativity compared with deliciousness: Pretty good

Sexy Terror Alert: Yellow, I guess - this criteria is still in progress - could also be Sexy WMDs - at a rating of 3 on the nuclear sexy level or something like that.

Thoughts by my fellow Americans: This place looks like it was designed from a focus group.

Average length of time it took a lady to get ready before her arrival: Two Hours

Let's go straight into it. The bar looked super chic and was fashioned after the 1970s. I never knew the 70s could be sexed up so much. The drinks were surprisingly reasonably priced. The signature drinks ranged from $8-$10 and for cheap bastards, a Schlitz will only set you back $3.

The menu was all over the place - everywhere from euromexasian to kind of three years ago with comfort food such as chicken and waffles and signature drinks like "The Dirty Shirley (an alcoholic Shirley Temple) and the Cherry Coke (Bacardi and Grenadine and Coke). If you ever wondered what too much grenadine does to a drink, you can easily find out by ordering either one of those. On the plus side, I have no problem with too much grenadine especially when the drink starts to water down a little - it goes down real real smooth.

The chicken and waffles, while dated in hipness were delicious and very cheap - around $8-$10. The humus was pretty good, but the pièce de ré·sis·tance in my opinion was the Salami Quesadilla. You are probably saying to yourself right now - what is this crazy meat-aholic talking about? This is what I mean by suggesting you suspend your disbelief. I think the quesadilla was orginally supposed to have chorizo in it but they must have run out of chorizo and just said fuck it - throw in some salami, no one will notice the difference. Well, we did and they are lucky that the salami melted in my mouth like it did because it was glorious. Sometimes I forget to thank Jesus for good things that happen to me. Usually I just blame him for stuff like my root canal without any anaesthetic and my face shingles. Let me take this moment to say thank you Jesus for having the kitchen run out of chorizo so that salami could make love to cheese in my mouth. It was gorgeous.

The Bathroom: Ok, so there has always been something weird about girls and public bathrooms. No matter what kind of girl she might be, as soon as she walks into the shitter she thinks she is Sylvia Plath and will write anything and everything from "Johnny fucks skank whores", to a poem about love, on the bathroom stalls. I am not sure how girls always manage to have permanent markers on-hand unless they plan ahead, but I assume there is some sense of historical value placed on finding your brilliant haiku about vaginas three weeks after having written it. It doesn't matter how fancy the bar, girls love to get drunk and write all over the place. The Corner Office believes it has a solution, which I suspect, while cute, will last about three weeks. One wall of the bathroom is covered in post-it notes so you can write whatever you want on a little post it and then at the end of the night, someone will take them down mocking your stupidity while cleaning the toilets.

The moral of the story is - this seems like a superhip chain restaurant bar - it is very cool and a bit cliche - you might not feel like you belong unless you work at Buffalo Exchange and just so happened to have that super-swank totally 70s looking hipster outfit, that you pretended to hate originally, when the person who sold it to your store brought it in, so they wouldn't think they were cooler than you because god forbid someone should have thought of it first. The food is pretty good, the drinks aren't too expensive and there are tables and tables of girls all kinds of tarted up - hanging out to either celebrate a birthday - or not getting herpes or whatever it is that 20something celebrate when they go out downtown. Nonetheless, I would go back again and not just to eat a salami quesadilla. Plus, you get a thumbs up from the waitress (who is dressed like a cheerleader) if you order a Schlitz.

The End
Mallory

Please let me know what you think about this - too long? Probably

So you might not know this: You need to Pre-read to read

Before you read this blog please understand the following.

1) I am not a professional writer, well, technically I am supposed to be, but not the "journalist" kind who ever has to write creatively so don't judge based on your feelings of "whether you get me or not....I don't need to be got". Also, don't get all up on my anus about grammar and language usage - this blog is called free-association which means I don't edit or even re-read it. I have a day job and if the Republicans found out I was helping democrats I would be so dead. Well, maybe not dead but I wouldn't be able to give it my full 60% or something so suck it.

2) This bloggy ( if I don't quit because I go broke or get tired of too much me) will constantly change an evolve, hopefully because it will learn to feed and grow on its own....but don't judge cause you hate it - when there might be something meaningful shit in there - or there might not, I guess it depends on you.

3) I have never been concise so you might have to read a bunch of shit you don't want to - that is what skimming is for.

4) I promise you will learn at least something new each post, maybe it will be my bra size - or maybe it will be your totally new fav bar in DTC...so just be patient.

5) I don't necessarily think I know more than you. I agree that people who write blogs appear to have that vanity obsession of you must know what I think because it will make you laugh and cry and pee your pants with the hilarious witticisms. I am writing this not because I think I am brilliant but because I am a) bored and b) was told by my magician re-alignment lady after having my jaw released that I need to express myself in some form in order to keep myself from clenching my teeth. Since I don't do feelings journals I thought, what better than to write about what I love, getting my drink on done and my eat on done.

While I have been out and about in this city many many times, I haven't really ventured outside of my comfort zone. I am not so into the Lower Downton Denver (LoDo) thing because I am over 30, hate assholes and try to avoid being seen anywhere a Real World episode might have been filmed. I know however, that to truly get a sense of this city I must suspend my disbelief (which I think at this point would be, I hate LoDo and don't have any intention of having a conversation with a guy who wears "face-bronzer" save it for the bodybuilding.) Part of the reason I have found myself retreating more and more into my little cocoon of an apartment is because I make assumptions that there are a bunch of guys wearing face bronzer hanging out in LoDo, which I suspect is probably not true. I have undressed myself of my prejudicial feelings and ventured out to see what else is out there..

Sidenote: Once upon a time, about 4 years ago, a superbff of mine we'll call Matilda, was visiting me in the Denver and we were shopping at some make-up boutique in Cherry Creek. At one point, she and I were verbally wondering why there wasn't a Sephora in a city of this size and the woman who owned the little boutique said that it was because the owner of Sephora didn't feel that women in Denver wore enough make-up to warrant a make-up store like that. Ever since then, my friend, we'll call Grace, and I used to drive around town playing a game called (she is the reason there is no Sephora in Denver) because NO ONE seems to wear make-up, partly because everyone is some sort of hippie lover, outdoorsy number or lazy-ass. I fall into the lazy category, just for future reference.

Moral of the story one: Girls who hang out in downtown Denver probably don't live in Denver. (We too have a bridge and tunnel crowd) There are now several Sephoras around and it shows. I don't know if the transient population that was once mostly midwestern has changed to include a bunch of make-up obsessed youngsters or if the natural look is so totally out, but times have definitely changed. Maybe I am not familiar with this look because most of the places I go are neighborhood bars but I was impressed when my friend, we'll call Lulu, suggested that we play a game of "what is the average time it took the ladies at this table or at that table to get ready." BTW, totally fun game.


Moral of the story two: I should probably dress it up a little if I don't want to stick out like a 32 year old thumb.

You might be thinking to yourself, what did all that have to do with which bar is going to give me the quickest erection?

Well, it will make sense later - the point is that I too had misconceptions of this city because I love to judge what I do not know. I am a hypocrite and I love it.

The end,
Mallory